I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
