ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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