I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
