its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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