Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
