I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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