3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize