Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
