Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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