and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
