I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
