I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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