non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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