My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
