u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Randomize
