Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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