2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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