I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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