dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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