NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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