I'm lost and stupid without you.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Still dying that you shit outside
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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