Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
