The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
