my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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