OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
