THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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