I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
