Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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