it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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