Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
