I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize