I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
