That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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