obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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