I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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