he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
