I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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