did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
