i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
