if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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