mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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