you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize