Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
