My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
