At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Duck Duck Cougar?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
