Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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