He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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