Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize