Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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