high people should be assigned attendants
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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