Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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