Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
