if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
