I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
