What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
