I wish I only lived at night.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Still dying that you shit outside
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize