my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
