I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
