soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
