So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
