i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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