you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
