Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
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