Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
